Roseanne- Need To Find A Way To Manipulate Your Sister? Ask Roseanne Conner.

 

Roseanne (talking to Charlotte): "Well, thanks for the Rice Krispy Treats, Charlotte. Bye.

Charlotte (talking to Roseanne): "You're welcome.  I just thought I'd bake you some Rice Krispy Treats because I didn't really have anything else interesting to do.  Dad's at work, Molly's out trying to get guys, and I've never been alone in a new house by myself before."

Roseanne (talking to Charlotte): "Well, that's nice, Charlotte. Bye!"

Charlotte (talking to Roseanne): "You know, I'm expected to do all the housework around my house.  Dad's too busy with work, and Molly's too lazy to lift a finger. I noticed that Dan seems to do all the work around here, and I was just wondering what your secret was?

Roseanne (talking to Charlotte): "Oh well, why didn't you say so?  I just tell him, 'Now Dan, or I'll arrange a meeting for that eyesore Canoga Beer clock with Mr. Hammer!'  It works every time.  Does Molly have anything that she really treasures, and I mean really treasures?"

Roseanne- Darlene's Poetic Cry For Help

Darlene (reciting her poem in from of the school auditorium's assembly audience):  "To Whom It Concerns" by Darlene Conner.  To whom it concerns, Darlene's work will be late, it fell on her pancakes and stuck to her plate.  To whom it concerns, my neighbor's dog ate my assignment, now I'm subjected to solitary confinement.  To whom it concerns, my mom is a nut, man she can really be a pain in the butt!  To whom it concerns, while my geeky sister spends her time sneaking alcohol and getting drunk, I spend my time in the backyard making slam dunks.  To whom it concerns, I wish my annoying brother DJ was never born, but I can't say that to my parents who would treat me with scorn.  To whom it concerns, my dad is a jerk, and he doesn't approve at all of my new illiterate boyfriend named Burke.  To whom it concerns, my grandma is such a nag, sometimes I really wish I could just get rid of that old hag.

To whom it concerns, my teacher made me write this, but I'm just a kid, so how could I fight this?  To whom it concerns, Darlene might be great with a ball, but every week she gets beaten up by the pretty cheerleaders when they're cruising the hall.  To whom it concerns, I just turned thirteen, too weak to be quarterback, too ugly to be queen.  To whom it concerns, I am not made of steel, when I get blind-sighted, my pain is quite real. To whom it concerns, my life really sucks but I don't expect any of you to give a flying fuck.  I don't want to squawk, but life at thirteen really burns, I just thought I'd mention it, to whom it concerns.
 

Roseanne- Ding-Dong, the Ice-Pop Lady.

 

Bonnie (talking to Roseanne): "So that's your neighbor, the Ice-Pop Lady, eh?

Roseanne (talking to Bonnie): "Yep.  Frozen solid with double sticks up her butt."

Kathy Bowman (talking to Roseanne): "Roseanne, I caught D.J. trying to teach Todd how to torture squirrels again.

Roseanne (talking to Kathy): "No Kathy, I think you've got that backwards.  Last time, it was Todd teaching D.J. how to torture squirrels when Todd was over here last week.  Now, I like Todd and all, but you've got a messed-up kid there.  I hate having to say it.  I mean, you've met Darlene, but even she's never done anything quite that bizarre."

Kathy (talking to Roseanne): "Todd's just never been very social.  He needs an outlet for his energy.  He's just trying to express himself.  He's only trying to show his creativity.  I don't know if you know this, but kids need outlets, Roseanne.  I get a magazine on childrearing every month, so I know a thing or two about kids.  Don't you think kids need energetic outlets?

Roseanne (talking to Kathy): " Yes Kathy, I do. And I don't know if you know this, but that's what ice-pops were invented for, to give kids energy.  And it's an outlet too, because while they're off acting hyper eating their ice-pops, it gets them out of your hair for a while, and I think you would know all about ice-pops what with your ice-cold frozen demeanor and that great big stick you got stuck up your butt.

How Does Roseanne Solve A Problem Like Dan?

 

Roseanne (talking to Sharon): "I'm just getting real tired of Dan, you know.  All he does when he gets home from work is get his dinner, sits his fat ass down on the couch and drinks his beer while he's watching TV. And he doesn't even invite me to join him.  How's that for a husband?"

Sharon (talking to Roseanne): "Well, I wouldn't know, I've never been into guys.  But maybe I can help you forget about Dan for a while."

         Roseanne (talking to Sharon): "Huh? What do you mean?"

Sharon (talking to Roseanne): "I mean like this..."